In the process of recording crimes and suspense, the online drama “The Hidden Corner”, which has become a big hit recently, also deeply analyzes what kind of harm the original family and bad parent-child mode can bring to children. Zhu Chaoyang lives in a divorced family. He lives with his mother. As Zhu Chaoyang’s parents, Zhu Yongping and Zhou Chunhong are obviously the most authentic portrayals of Chinese parents. As the hidden boss in the play, Zhu Chaoyang is also gradually darkening in the plot. Many viewers feel that he will become the next Zhang Dongsheng when he grows up. The root cause of all this is Zhu Chaoyang’s original family-parents My own marriage is riddled with blemishes, and then I put these unhappiness on my children.
Many of my visitors are trying their best to integrate their personalities that have been formed since childhood. Most of the character defects that make them feel painful come from childhood misfortune and lack. How to escape the shackles of the original family is now a topic of great concern to the public.
What does the disharmonious native family bring to us?
1 What is your parents like, you are likely to be like in the future
Generally speaking, the interactive mode of parents determines the interactive mode of future children’s own marriage. A child who grows up in a family with weak males and strong females, if it is a boy, may be relatively immature and weak, and the future spouse is usually also strong; if it is a girl, it may be relatively strong, and the future spouse is usually also a weak Boys;
In the native family, the communication mode of the parents also affects the future communication mode of the child. For example, for couples who are used to quarreling, children are usually not good at reasoning. You should know that you will unconsciously copy the various values and behaviors of your parents. Even though you disagree with it, even if you want to get rid of it, you still have trouble getting out of this vicious circle.
2 Intergenerational transmission of harm
Faced with the trauma of the original family, if we can keep our eyes on the distance, we will find that if parents are not aware of the impact of the original family, they are likely to use the same way to raise the next generation. Because children understand the world through their native family, they love other people the way they are loved, they learn how to adjust themselves and face emotions from the way their parents calm their emotions, and they also learn through parent-child relationships. Interpersonal. From the perspective of cognitive behavior, this is called the acquisition of behavior patterns, so childhood trauma will be transmitted between generations to a large extent. If you are constantly under vicious pressure from your original family as you grow up, you may unconsciously pass on such injuries to the next generation after you grow up, allowing tragedies to continue to happen to the next generation. The former abuser will become the abuser today. This is the most terrifying place.
How should we heal ourselves?
◎ Understanding and acceptance
If your native family hurt you, you have to tell yourself that you are not wrong. When you realize this, you will not criticize yourself and understand yourself. Self-understanding is the beginning of self-acceptance. Accept your own imperfections and parents’ imperfections, take the initiative to step out of the “native family” model, empathize with and appreciate the difficulties of parents, forgive the lack and harm of parental education, truly reconcile with your parents in your heart, and do your best Work hard to achieve self-healing, learning and growth.
◎ Change attitude
If you have been hurt by your native family, please change your attitude and step out bravely by yourself. Don’t let the past time influence your happiness for the rest of your life. Come out through your own efforts, your life is getting happier, or you have been stuck in the quagmire of your original family all your life, which one do you want to be?
We can’t choose the original family, but we can use our own power to heal the pain and rewrite our own destiny. If your native family doesn’t give you enough love, then give yourself more love; if your native family can’t give you material support, then work hard to make money; if your native family makes you feel inferior, then learn a little bit Become confident. The so-called growth is to use your current good to make up for the previous bad, and use your own love to make up for the missing love.
◎ Reconciliation with parents
It would be unfair if we attribute all the problems to the original family and to the parents. A native family is the starting point for a person’s development, but a person’s growth and development is determined by many aspects, and the journey to the end is also diverse.
We can see that there are many people born in similar families and life experiences, showing very different growth trajectories and life patterns. For the impact on the original family, some people choose to sit back in a wheelchair, while others change it. Became his own chariot. I think what we have to do is not to evade and face it, to reach reconciliation with our parents, and our native family, so that we can grow up more rationally, accommodatingly, and tolerantly, and keep approaching our ideal state.
The first step in reconciling with your parents is to let the repressed emotions be expressed consciously and responsibly. Being aware and responsible means that emotions are your own business. Don’t vent your emotions to your parents or other people, but create a space for them so that emotions can be released. For example, facing a chair, pillow, or imagining that your parents are right in front of you, express your suppressed emotions and words you want to say, even if it sounds more vicious. If you can’t do this, you can also choose to write letters or express in words, which is a good channel.
The second step is to stand in the position of parents. To feel what kind of situation the parents were in at the time, what kind of feelings and thoughts they had, and what caused the parents to act at that time. Then, feel it again. When they listen to your emotions and thoughts, how they will react and what they want to say. In this way, you switch back and forth between your parents and yourself, expressing the emotions and thoughts that both parties did not express before. In the end, usually both parties will understand each other and reach a reconciliation with love and blessings.
The third step is to start a new life with a brand new model. The previous model was to repeat the parents unconsciously, but now we have to start a new model of self-exploration with awareness. We must realize that the power to change is always in our own hands.
◎ When encountering problems that may be caused by the original family, do not ask for help from your parents as much as possible
On the one hand, you must cultivate your own ability to solve problems independently. On the other hand, your problem may be caused by your native family. At this time, turning to your parents for help may be counterproductive. Not only can it not solve the problem effectively, but it will easily make the problem worse. If you really need help, you can find a teacher or friend.
For parents, when communicating with them, you can talk, but it is best not to let them suggest that we can only start the first step of independence if we are free from the influence of our original family. This kind of independence is not about severing the relationship with your parents, or being completely away from them, but about accomplishing psychological independence. From today, let your mind leave your original family and embark on a new, exclusive and suitable psychological path.