I didn’t want to have my own baby all the time. I guess so. In the early 1980s, I just graduated from university. My friends have their own children back and forth, but I am still carefree and feel that it has nothing to do with me. Even after marriage, my husband and I had no plans for the “baby-making plan” and never put it on the agenda. When I was over 30 years old, at an age when I should probably start worrying about not being a mother, I wasn’t worried, just felt a little uneasy.
Now think about it, the only mistake I made at that time was that I was not sure if I had no children, my life would still be normal and orderly, perhaps better than normal and orderly.
Nowadays, more and more women choose not to have children. Even if having no children may still be regarded as a disgrace to women, public opinion is much milder than in the past. However, if the impulse to have children is driven by biological instinct at least to some extent, but you still don’t want to have children, does that mean you have any problems? I am now 57 years old and have no children and no daughters. I often meet some young women who do not know why they no longer want to have children.
Should they think of some way to have one? If they didn’t have children, what would their life be like? How will their future life be different from that of women with children? The above-mentioned problems are even more worrying for women who are at childbearing age but cannot have children for various reasons, are full of doubts about the price and hardships they will pay for abnormal pregnancy, are full of doubts about how much they want to have children, and their partners want children more urgently than they do.
When I was in my 30s, my husband and I did try hard to have children, but failed. I have also seen some women whose desire to have babies is so urgent that anxiety has begun to devour them bit by bit. Although I also want to have my own baby, their desire and eagerness is hard for me to feel and understand. My husband and I chose the plan suitable for us: the “test tube baby” that would cause greater physical trauma deterred us, and we didn’t have that much money. Therefore, we simply stop worrying about whether to have children. New life has never come to us.
At that time, people around me “cared” about asking me if I would have a baby, which still seemed to me to be a matter of personal privacy. However, the “positive non-resistance” attitude I adopted at that time allowed me to get away easily from those embarrassing occasions-if someone asked me why I didn’t have a baby, I would directly answer: my husband and I tried but failed-the answer is not only a fact, but also a little less cold than the simple perfunctory “I don’t want to”.
Even today, I will not volunteer to say that I am extremely satisfied and glad with the decision I made more than 20 years ago. Because I have never had a child of my own. I don’t know if I missed everything that only true parents can experience. However, the positive influence of having no children on my life and my life alone after divorce is obvious, and I will never keep it secret. When my husband and I realized that we couldn’t continue living, the absence of children made it much easier for us to decide to end the marriage. The child I never had has become part of me in some way and has given me precious freedom.
When I was in college, I majored in journalism. After graduation, I entered journalism as an even somewhat laughably unambitious rookie-my main work at that time was proofreading, rewriting and any work assigned to me. In fact, as long as I am not allowed to write, I can do anything. Because I have always lacked confidence in creation. But when I started writing a free column commentary for $20, the fire of creation in my heart was ignited. I began to be unable to stop writing. However, before I officially started any form of part-time writing career, I was old enough to have a baby.
At that time, when faced with important career and life choices, I was very anxious, anxious until now, I think it is probably the reason why I have been unable to get pregnant. At that time, my husband was a freelance writer and I was working as a full-time editor for a magazine. So no matter what I write, writing is a sideline for me. Later, when people learned that we were divorced, many people still said to me, “Go ahead and do it, you will understand.”
But what exactly do they mean by their words? What if my creations can only occupy a small proportion in my life? I have heard the stories of successful women who combine family and career. Of course, that is absolutely possible. Maybe I can also be one of those superwomen-working full-time, getting up early, taking care of the children, and then starting my creative work after 10 pm after the children fall asleep. But this kind of state, just think about it makes me depressed.
I know that no matter how much housework a partner promises to share after having children, the burden of childcare will always fall on the mother. I also know that there are enough writers in the world, and I feel that even if I torture myself to exhaustion, I cannot become that part of the redundant labor force. Who will really miss one of my column comments? In addition, perhaps better women are willing to sacrifice everything, either all their careers or all their families, but I don’t think there is any “excellence” in doing so, “excellence” should not come at the expense of your other lives. Why do you finally find something you really like to do and give it up for someone else or something? Only in this way can your life be complete and complete?
Perhaps when I was young, I realized that the expression “complete life” was highly dangerous. I have reservations about the fact that there is really a “complete life” in the world. Instead of pursuing some kind of nihilistic and complete life, I chose a life full of various possibilities, and I also got richer and more colorful experiences than I ever imagined. As a film critic, I have gained great happiness and satisfaction, but what gives me happiness and satisfaction is exactly the freedom I have. Sometimes, in order to watch movies, I go to film festivals specially. Of course, my ability to go whenever I want should not be underestimated here. I am also often invited to offer writing training courses or to be a judge around the world.
Sometimes I think, because I have no children, I have the opportunity to experience things that I cannot experience with children. But this does not mean that women with children do not have these opportunities. However, having children requires a high degree of concentration and attention, and will remain so for several years. However, it often takes weeks, months or even years for me to leave. Without children’s hindrance, I can say YES to anything I want to do. each YES means I will meet a group of new people and make some new friends. each YES makes my world wider and deeper.
I have never given up my life for anyone, but I am full of surprises and gratitude for everything that life gives me every day. I have friends of all ages. I have also had extremely romantic and touching emotional experiences, and I have tasted heartbreak and heartbreak at the end of the relationship. Watching my nieces and nephews grow up and form their own families to welcome new life brings me great happiness. I am not completely immune to the care of my little life: shortly after my divorce, I moved to a new community. I found a litter of wild cats in the front yard. Soon they became a group of my family living outdoors.
People’s reaction to a life without children, such as mine, is always full of regret and sympathy. “Poor thing! Is that all she has to live? ” What I want to say about this is, to borrow a sentence from actor john wayne in Howard Hawkes’s Brave Slaughter of Dragons, my favorite movie, “This is not the whole of my life, it is just a part of it.”
When you are in your youth and there are still plenty of years and scenery waiting for you to explore and appreciate, it is really difficult to judge and distinguish between what you think you should do and what you really want to do. In the years when I wanted to have a baby, people often said to me, “if you don’t have a baby now, you will regret it in the future.” But over the years, I have not felt “regret”, at least not in the matter of having children. Having no regrets after the event means that each of our experiences can be carried out according to our plan as we wish, and at key nodes, we can make the right decision first. No matter how important a decision or a plan is to the future, no one can plan everything in advance and then carry out it strictly for the rest of his life.
For those young women who believe that life is incomplete without children, what I want to say is: what you will be like in the future is something you cannot foresee now. You can’t imagine everything in advance for you in the future, and don’t think you can control and dominate all aspects of your life through decisions. Because sometimes, letting nature take its course may lead you to greater happiness-unexpected happiness.