Ling Ling and Zong He are a husband and wife, both of whom have a low diploma and a good career. However, their relationship is incredible. Zonghe almost always complained, criticized, and ordered Ling Ling, as Zonghe said: “I have paid so much for your family, but you have given me so little return … Why are you always disobedient and working against me … Your family is so poor, I do n’t dislike it … You were abandoned by others, I put you away … I said, you do n’t need to say anything, just say ‘OK …. you just listen to everything. My arrangement will make our family harmonious and happy … If you do n’t listen to me, you will not have a good life … ”
Throughout the synthesis of this series of words that often hang on the mouth, they all have an obvious feature. One is to demand absolute obedience, and there is no reason to obey; second, emotion is the bargaining chip for absolute obedience. We usually call this kind of emotional threat to absolutely control the behavior of the other party called emotional blackmail.
“Emotional Ransomware” is a best-selling book by a well-known American psychotherapist. Through this book, a word-emotional blackmail was clarified. According to the book, emotional blackmail is one of the most advantageous forms of control. Friends and family around us will use some direct or indirect means to extort us. If we don’t do what they ask, we will suffer. The center of all extortion is the most basic threat and intimidation, it will appear in many different faces … However, emotional extortion can hit our inner key more deeply. These “emotional blackmailers” understand that we cherish our relationship with them, know our weaknesses, and even know some secrets deep in our hearts. No matter how much they care about us, once they cannot achieve certain goals, they will use this intimate relationship to force us to make concessions.
There are only two possibilities for this kind of battle between Ling Ling and Zong He. If they encounter resistance, they will be filled with smoke forever; if they succumb, they will be temporarily calm.
1. The road of emotional blackmail
“Ask, resist, pressure, threaten, succumb, restart”, this is a process of emotional blackmail from the layout to the new round of layout, and it is also the beginning of the blackmailers who let us fall into a vicious circle.
Requirements: Propose specific wishes or conditions, hope to be fulfilled or fulfilled.
Resistance: Use force to stop the opponent’s attack.
Apply pressure: apply pressure.
Threats: Use force to threaten and intimidate people.
Surrender: Compromise and concessions from external pressures, give up the struggle.
The above fatal characteristics are very obvious and very annoying. You must think that they will definitely make people alarm when they appear? But in fact, before they were pinched by their necks, we had fallen into it without knowing it. Before these so-called “controls” in daily life become harmful, there must be a clear turning point. When someone continues to dominate us with control, so that we must respond to it and have to sacrifice our own needs and personality, the situation becomes emotional blackmail.
Second, identify emotional blackmailers
Types of Emotional Ransomware and “Mist”
1. Before identifying emotional blackmailers, we must first understand their types.
The book introduces the four forms of extortion: perpetrators, masochists, mourners, and seducers.
Perpetrators, this is the easiest to identify. Because the extorted person can feel the most intuitively, if the extortionist’s requirements are not met, the extortionist will hurt them.
Self-abuseers, they have cleverly made their dissatisfaction “internalize to the heart and externalize to the form”, and their extorted people are often those closest to them.
Sad people, while telling their sorrows, they put forward their own demands. If the extorted person does not complete their request, they will force the guilt they named to be forced on their extorted person.
Seducers, this is the most difficult to find. They designed a series of requirements. In the process, they took out some of their own interests and let the extorted people make concessions step by step to finally achieve their goals.
2. Away from the three “fogs” of emotional blackmail
“Emotional extortion is like a mist, which makes the real situation ambiguous. As soon as we encounter emotional extortion, we will fall into the quagmire of emotional response and become very indecisive, let alone think carefully and respond to the actions of emotional extortion Why. ”
Three emotional elements-fear, responsibility, guilt
Fear is generally a feeling of physical and mental torture caused by the perpetrator and the masochist to blackmail the victim.
Responsibility and guilt are the ways in which mourners use their best skills to “act” and perform their emotions in front of the blackmailed. At the same time, these two sensations will also be used by the seducers to blackmail them.
“When emotional blackmailers want to manipulate us step by step, you will find that the three emotional elements that make up the fog are inseparable.”
3. The impact of emotional blackmail: destroy the integrity of the victim.
When talking about influence, a word is mentioned in the book-self-integrity.
Self-integrity reflects our values and sense of morality, and is the center we use to distinguish right from wrong. Although when we say self-integrity, we often refer to honest qualities, but its importance does not stop there. Literally, it means “whole,” and many people are convinced that it reflects our identity, beliefs, what we are willing to do, and what principles we have.
Self-integrity is equivalent to our personal umbrella for ourselves, and it is also the bottom line of each of us, and emotional blackmail is a weapon to destroy this umbrella. When extortionists continue to perform extortion on the extorted people, our bottom line will be lowered again and again, causing us to lose our own scale and lose our most basic understanding of ourselves.
Emotional extortion can also be called paranoid love, but in fact it has nothing to do with love. True love is upward and beautiful. Emotional extortion is the absolute control of one party over the other. It is extremely paranoid. Love is only for the purpose of control. Means only.
Know the true face of the extortionist and stay away from controlling nightmares
Desire to control means eager to control something that you cannot control. For emotional extortionists, even in a period of emotion, their desire to control has not subsided. They always want tighter control, more love, more attention, more commitment, more security. No matter how beautiful this relationship is at the beginning, the nature of the blackmailer, the endless desire to control, will eventually scare away all the objects.
Healthy love yearns for trust, care and mutual respect. On the contrary, paranoid love is dominated by fear, possessiveness, and jealousy. Paranoid love is intense and sometimes dangerous. Because in the end, it will never be satisfied, never get enough moisture, and rarely make people happy.
In order to help readers clarify whether they are emotional blackmailers or emotional blackmailers, the book lists a list, you can find a list, if these things happen, please hold back. The uncomfortable feeling is the signal that is tumbling and spreading somewhere in your heart. Once the crux of the problem is identified, we can remedy the problem.
1. Do you have a persistent desire for someone who cannot respond to you physically or psychologically?
2. Do you live with the expectation that this person will respond to you?
3. Are you convinced that as long as your desire for him / her is strong enough, the other party will love you?
4. Are you convinced that as long as you work hard (or in the right way) to pursue each other, he / she will accept it?
5. In the face of rejection, does it make you want the other party more?
6. If you are rejected again and again, will your excitement about this person turn into melancholy or anger?
7. Since the other party does not want to give you what you want, do you feel like a victim?
8. Are you unable to eat, sleep or even work due to excessive concentration on this person’s business?
9. Do you think your life is meaningful only if he / she exists?
10. Do you find yourself suddenly rising up, constantly calling the other party, or waiting for the other party’s message for a long time?
11. Will you appear in front of this person’s home or office without warning?
12. Will you confirm where the other party should be at this moment and with whom? He even followed him / her secretly?
13. Have you crossed the general line, committed sabotage, or even exercised violence against this person or yourself?
If there are more than three of your answers, then you are an emotional blackmailer. But do n’t despair, paranoid love is not a genetic defect, but a behavior pattern that we have developed to meet the needs of loved and loved ones. You can overcome paranoia. Everything learned from the day after tomorrow can be removed.
“Before lifting the imprisonment of emotional blackmailers, you must first clarify how much of your life is controlled by this. I know this is easier said than done. Paranoia will build a shield of denial and interference and hide inside. But I assure you that clarifying this matter will bring a positive turn for your life. ”
Finally, the author also reminds that if the answer to the last question in the list is “Yes”, be sure to seek professional assistance immediately to avoid permanent injury to you or others.