All the pain in the world

At that moment, although you didn’t tell me, no one told me, but I knew: You hurt, it’s the kind of tear you don’t want to live; really, it hurts.

How do I know? Let me think about it, is it the wind or the dream? I really can’t tell. At that moment, I understand you. It hurts, so I understand you. Although you haven’t said such an unbearable pain. However, you are really in pain, even though we are still far away from each other at that moment, I still feel that the pain that you can’t take off is far greater than the pain.

Oh, forgive me, I will no longer call you “here”. If there is still a “you”, then I feel alive. Waking up in many dreams, I think very firmly: you are me, I am you; I have never been separated from you since hitting me into the world; your pain is my pain, all that is in the world pain.

This time, you are in pain, and the pain is so sudden, and suddenly the pain becomes the norm. Pain, this damn demon, can’t show any kind of compassion, how could it be stained with your bones? Originally, you didn’t want me to come over to see you, and even kept planning how to hide, even if it was an extra day. I don’t know what happened. When you felt the pain, I clearly felt it. I felt a shock like a shock, and I downloaded such a pain in my heart. As a result, there was worry about worrying more and more, because of the kind of unprecedented pain. It seems that your pain is actually contagious, and quietly invaded my body on such a night-from then on, it will never be lingering.

2

I’m still here, how can I not come? Even if I don’t know which ward or which bed you are in, I can find it. I don’t ask the doctor, I don’t check the records of the wards, I don’t even call out, and I look door to door… You know, the pain is in your body, the pain is in my heart. The pain in my heart can be easily understood by touching it. After all, this is also a pain in my own body. It is like the left hand is touching the right hand. How can I not find myself?

I saw you from afar. I couldn’t help but want to shout out, after all, I still refrained, I was afraid that you would be asleep.

Unexpectedly, you still have such a shock that I feel distressed, it turns out-you are not asleep at all. Yeah, so painful, unspeakable pain, gathering all the pain in the world, how can you sleep well, not to mention that it is not midnight? It seems that as soon as I come, you won’t feel pain. You curled up in the corner of the bed, the process of getting up halfway is so long, the dazzling white hair flashed, and my heart was startled.

Oh, I really hurt again, the kind of pain more painful than before. His eyes were astringent, but he held back a thing called tears. Fearing that the support was not stable, he had to let it roll off. Your eyes are greeted, like sorrow, but soft, like warm bath water, which is almost full of the bathtub in your childhood. Do you want to bathe me or even soak me up? It was just that the soft wave was dimmed for a while, there was one without one, one with a gasp, one breathed and one breathed, and the lips were pursed from time to time.

Why didn’t I feel it, you hurt.

There must be pain there? If the pain is unbearable, you shout it. But here is a hospital, a place where patients and visiting relatives and friends are quiet, even if the doctor doesn’t say it, I know with you.

However, how can I relieve your pain? For a while, I wished to pinch myself and experience the painful things. If you wave your hand, it means I can’t find it, I don’t know where you are hurting. How come, wherever you hurt, I hurt as much as possible, and I pinched there accurately; even in places where my fingers can’t reach, I will pinch carefully, and I will drive the blood in my body into a stream, hard Surging towards that place. Oh, all the pain in the world, please, don’t bully the weather-beaten old man; what is the ability to bully the weak? If it were such a thing, everything, all came to me. Even if it is stormy, even thunder and thunder, I can resist all this.

Although, as you have said repeatedly, my shoulders are so weak.

3

Oh, it’s okay, it’s really okay, go back.

You don’t know, I am better this time, it really doesn’t hurt.

How can it hurt? This is a hospital. There is a doctor here. Where is my pain? Is there any way for the doctor?

Also, the doctor just gave me painkillers…

Incoherent, a series of excuses, you speak very hard. At the end, seeing that I still did not go, so you smiled, and the corner of your mouth moved a few more times. At that moment, I suddenly felt that you are really old, unexpectedly old, so old that it has become a kind of collapse like a cliff. It seems that it is such a hospitalization, how can you age so fast? It turned out that these long days, how could they shake off at once? what’s up? Before visiting you in the hospital, my sister told me along the way that she asked the doctor. The doctor said that you ate Anding tablets the night before and still couldn’t sleep. You even had to plead with the doctor to increase the dose of analgesic drugs again; you also told your sister not to send you to the hospital for treatment again. Not to waste money, anyway, this disease can not be cured.

Sister talked, tears could not stop. “If I leave, everything should be simple, let me go quietly. For you, leaving is a relief. It is better to burn this old bone, because the pain is too tormenting, I don’t even want this bone anymore…” Listen, I really want to ask, is this really what you said to your sister? Your words are easy to say, but have you considered how everyone feels?

You have said more than once, “I really want to close my eyes and jump upstairs for a hundred; I have never done bad things in my life, I don’t know what sins were created in my life. Otherwise, why do you get old Such a painful illness.” Oh, I know, if it is not too painful, it is better to die than life, and you will not say such words.

It turned out that the pain of the bones can really push people into the abyss of despair, and can make a strong person also have repeated weakness.

4

At that moment, because of the pain, your pain, my pain, all the pain in the world… covered me. For a time, we had no language communication.

Touching the bony bones on your spine, and the thin, slender arms that were almost deformed, I found myself suddenly not hurt anymore. Until a long time, but the pain was more severe. It was only at that moment that I thought that it wasn’t that I didn’t feel pain, but that the pain was beyond remedy. The pain was so painful that I couldn’t bear the nerves. I felt sore and bitter for a while. I didn’t know. What is the pain. When the sour, bitter, stiff, and numb energy passed, the feeling of pain increased several times from the moment I saw you.

It was only then that I was biting my lip and afraid of crying. Opposite you, the face was so thin that there was only a thin, shriveled, dry skin. The fairness of the early years had been covered with deep wrinkles like knives, and there were patches of dark brown age spots. This… isn’t it an old tree? You know, the previous tree has an excellent skin color, and it is said that “white is very red and different from the rest, and it is difficult to share it in ten miles and eight villages.” The old people in the village have said so to you before, especially the little sisters of your time, all of them have become old women. They envy and hate most of their lives. They say that you will be stranged several times when you go to the street. People asked if they had makeup on? How does it look like a pleasant person walking down the New Year’s picture? If this was in the previous dynasty, why wasn’t it the cutie that entered the palace?

Not to mention, once, I have also seen your photos. At that time, you were in your forties: black hair, bright eyes, red teeth, red light, straight spine… lying with your eyes The two temples in the hospital bed are gray, the eyes are cloudy, the face is covered with frost, the sickness is crooked, the body is sore… Is this a person alone?

I really don’t want to admit it, but I have no choice but to admit that the two women in the picture and the one in front of me are indeed one person, and you. Exactly… What plundered your golden youth?

It’s pain, this damn pain. In front of the painful vicious guy, my sister comforts you so that you don’t think about it and live alive. It’s just that I don’t know what to say. No amount of comfort is pale! Some pain is really no cure!

Where can I find a panacea to cure all the pain in this world? I am willing to give up all…

5

Suddenly, so good, a terrible word came to mind: death.

What’s the pain? Is this love? Because you love me, I love you. We all endure the pain, support, torment… just watching you pain, so painful day after day, what is the point of living? However, even if it hurts again, you still exist in our lives, you can see it and you can promise it with a shout. No matter what, I still don’t want to have the day when you leave, but all this continues with your pain.

Am I so selfish?

Your suffering is so painful that I feel the shadow of death more and more deeply. Paining your pain, my heart is always full of contradictions. I hope that there is always a real you in the place where I can see the nagging thoughts, even if you can’t do anything but the one who breathes. Shadow, after all, there is your existence. Wherever you are, there is me; but… I hope she can suffer less and get rid of it as soon as possible. You, after all, have to go. I know that if one day, you really leave, it must be that God can’t bear to see you suffer too much, so I whispered it to another place without pain.

Oh, as long as you don’t hurt, I won’t. Yeah, the pain is not on me, how can I get it all?

All kinds of pain that you have walked with me, look back on the past, lift the kind of tears falling down the river. You lie there and groan, the sound is an extreme control, like the crumbling candle in the same wind, the fire is faint, as if there is a gust of wind that will melt you in your mouth, spit it out, and die , I’m really afraid that you won’t be able to hold it for so long.

How can I not know that you really do not want to leave. Deep in my heart, there is always a pain that is untouchable. Is that your pain, transplanted into my heart?

You are still in pain, obviously pain. Between the words, the teeth seemed to be leaking air, and every time a word was spit out, it was necessary to slowly suck back a large gulf of air. You are in pain, you are still in pain, but you clearly say you are not in pain. why? what is this? Who can give me the answer? I am at a loss on the side. Ah, if it is possible, all the pain in your body will be transferred to me and let me bear it. Really, I… don’t be afraid of pain! The memories of life’s pain again and again, can no longer be remembered in front of you. Now I want to come, because I am with you, I can’t feel it, even the first time I came to the world, it caused you endless pain.

I gave you the pain. Now that you are in pain, please return it to me.

Oh, God, can you help me? After that, as long as you have pain, I will desperately dig into your arms, and hope to retract your uterus again. Just like at this moment, even if you let me become a blood mass in any part of your body again, as long as there is a place in your body that is still in pain, I will suck desperately to drain all your pain, even if let me The pain was trembling, the pain was swollen, and I was really rewarded for you once, just like a lamb is grateful for the kindness of kneeling and milk, and like a calf reporting a licking calf.

I heard that, you still hurt. Then, you shout, shout loudly, whatever you want to shout, don’t hold back your heart. Your body hurts, my heart bleeds. I know, that time, when I gave birth to my daughter, I shed a lot of blood. You are standing beside me, embracing me, and hope to take back all my pain.

6

This time, when I went to see you, I hinted myself along the way that I have to hold on anyway, with a smile on my face to make you worry-free; do not cause your pain anyway. I’m afraid that a person can’t stand it. I took my daughter, but she is the person on your apex. I am confident that as long as she is gone, you can transfer the pain in your body.

Unexpectedly, I was still wrong. She is too young, she is not sensible, she can’t relieve your pain when she goes there, and even accidentally touched your pain.

You laughed, you said more than once, she just touched me, I touched me, and I deserved it.

What is and should not be? I don’t know how I left you that day. I have been seeing you struggling with pain, and I wonder if the bad guy is tired, or you have compassion and don’t want to be entangled with pain. When the invisible pain became more and more heavy on me, I lifted my eyes and saw you fell asleep quietly.

For a while, you can’t tell which one is the winner after so many days of fighting.

I don’t know when my sister flashed in that day. Until I saw a gesture that my sister gave me gently, I wanted to let me go home first. I know that my sister is here to change me, and my daughter still has to go to school. Here I have to let my sister escort you with heartache.

I don’t know how many nights my sister and I will take turns to top. As long as your pain can be relieved a little bit, even if there are more nights, we are willing to do it; oh no, I don’t want to do it one night, I hope you are discharged from the hospital early, leaving this makes you feel sad when you think about it local.

I left you, one step, and then folded back; another step, and looked back at you. do you know? I haven’t dared to call you. I am afraid that the Chinese character that I usually never whisper softly, and the name that has dropped a “heart” at the end of it, is too heavy, too heavy, and too polite. If this heart really fell on that day, it would never be there again. I looked back at you until the building in the hospital devoured you. Would you like to take a good nap first? Early in the morning tomorrow, when the first Mo Xiaguang sneaked into the hospital bed where you were, it was the series of gentle steps that accompanied me.

Holding my daughter, how did I get home all the way, I can’t remember how many days later. I only know that these days, you are still in the hospital. It is a kind of Chinese and Western medicine combined with pain that is difficult to erase with surgery. Together with my heart, it has been erratic. When my heart hurts, the tears will always go away, and the good ones will fall down, like the string of beads you handed to me, hitting the earth heart by heart without knowing the pain.

I don’t know, this land that gave me the support of me feels no such pain that can’t be said; what you have, what is in my heart, there is everything in the world…

These days, my daughter pinched my hand and asked you, saying she wanted to see you, and also had a temper with me, saying why not let her see you? I said, you are in my hand, and you can see it whenever you want. No, you are staring at me kindly, as if worried that I will never grow up-it seems that those painful memories have never happened.

Oh, you are in an old photo. You are holding me in the picture, as I am holding you now. It’s just that you are so thin, and we are so light again. A tree forgets the painful smile, and it stretches between the world, as if crying out my breast name.

I had to do it again and again, quietly covering you on my chest, making you feel my trembling heartbeat, and the crying cry: Mom…Mom…are you still in pain? Can you not hurt anymore!