Adjustment of “hard bars” for parents and children

Parents will encounter the time when they are “on the bar with the child”: asking the child to write homework, he must read the book for a while before writing; telling him to take a shower and go to bed early, he has to linger; the same mistake can not be changed no matter how many times it is criticized Adults are tired for a day and want to rest for a while, the child wants you to play with him… In this case, the parents’ first reaction is to let the child change! Can parents really change their children? I am afraid most of them are failures. Many parents are plagued by the same problem for months or even a year or two, and there is no way out, but they are still struggling to find a way to change their children. But have you ever wondered why it is the children who need to be changed?

Adhere to “you must change” is an immature
I hope that others can always make changes in accordance with their own wishes. In fact, it is a naive and narcissistic psychology, and people with a little experience in the workplace will not use it in the work scene: colleagues have forced me to feel uncomfortable In order to change others; the boss did not meet my requirements, he tried every means to force others to follow suit. Everyone will think of emotional intelligence, emotional management ability, cooperation ability, and rational consequences.

Within a family, between a couple and a parent, this kind of psychology is extremely common. When a couple quarrels, many people think that it is the fault of the other party, and it is the other party that needs to be changed, but seldom think that they need to make some adjustments to meet the needs of the other party, so as to better handle the relationship. To educate children, many parents will firmly believe that children should meet the requirements of their parents, and when their methods do not work, they do not want to find a better method, but upgrade the current method-if they don’t move, they roar, roar Scold if you don’t move, and fight if you don’t use it Those who spend a lot of money to send children with “Internet addiction” to various terrible Internet addiction centers and parents who forced their children to suicide are all typical examples of this. It must be said that such couples are immature couples, and such parents are also naive parents. Their common feature is that they only know the “hard bar” and lack the necessary adjustment ability. Adjustment is a kind of flexibility, and it is a necessary ability for a person to adapt to social life. People who lack this flexibility will choose a “hard bar” when they encounter things. They will not look back at the south wall or hit the south wall. People with moderate flexibility will judge the situation when they encounter things, know when to compromise and when to make concessions, and try to find another way until it is settled. Undoubtedly, the latter type of people is more adaptable and mature; while the former type is slightly naive and lacks the ability to adapt to the environment, of course, it will often be countered by the environment.

Knowing how to adjust is a strategy for parents
Educating children may be one of the most complicated and difficult jobs in the world. No matter how old the parents are, knowledge or experience, parents cannot guarantee that the children can run perfectly according to the procedures established by the parents, nor can they guarantee that any problems occur in the children. You can immediately find an effective solution and solve it immediately.

But their mature parents will master an important strategy-know how to make the necessary adjustments in a timely manner, so that parents and children can maintain a good cooperation at any time, so that the overall family education runs smoothly and smoothly without falling into parent-child There is a state of repeated entanglement and confrontation between a specific problem. Parental adjustments include: there are rules, but not excessively tough. For example, many parents are troubled by the problem of writing homework for their children, insisting that they should complete their homework before doing anything else. Some parents have worked hard for many years to criticize their children for their homework. But if we make the rules for completing homework more flexible, we only require the children to complete with quality and quantity, instead of rigidly stipulating the time to start and how long it takes to complete, the tug of war between parents and children on the homework will be decrease very much. Other things that require rules can also establish such adjustment scales.

There are requirements for children, but also consider the needs of children. For example, playing mobile phones, playing computers, and playing games. From the perspective of parents, most parents think that it is best not to play, but this is obviously not realistic. If parents do not consider the needs of their children to play, they just want to supervise their children every day. As a result, they must chase and hide like cats and mice every day, and may even cause their children to lie. If parents can understand and understand the needs of their children to play, and agree with the children on the acceptable length of time, it will reduce a lot of troubles. In cases where the requirements of other parents and the needs of the child may be different, they can also take into account the needs of both parties and reach a consensus through negotiation. Give up ineffective methods in time and explore other feasible methods. For example, when buying toys, many families repeatedly repeat the fixed procedure of “want to buy toys in a toy store—adults don’t buy them—children cry—adults reasoning—children don’t listen—adults drag children away”. The trouble for adults is: I have told my child countless times that he doesn’t listen, what should I do? Since preaching is unreasonable, don’t insist on using only one method. Isn’t the better way “reducing the chance of letting children face the temptation of toys”? This strategy can be applied to all cases of “not listening”. If the method in front of you does not work, then it must not be that the child is bad, but that the parent’s method is not good enough. It is the rationality for parents to explore better methods in time. When each other’s “on the bar” situation occurs, withdraw in time. Adults and children have a problem “on the bar”, which is actually one of the worst conditions between parents and children. Once this happens, it usually gets worse, especially between adolescent children and their parents. Mothers often ask: What can I do if my child does not listen to what I say? The method is not to demand too much from the child, hoping that the child will make rational changes in the situation. In terms of maturity and rationality, parents should be stronger than children. When the opposite situation occurs, it is the parents who strive to change the opposite situation. There are indeed a small number of children who can do a good job to coax you when they see their parents are unhappy, but this is actually the role of children and parents reversed. Mature children take care of immature parents, which is not a good thing for the growth of children.

In short, if the parents in the family education are hardcore and do not understand how to adjust, it is likely that they will lose both themselves and their children in the fierce “hard bar”; learn to “adjust” in order to bring the parent-child relationship into the track of healthy cooperation and get rid of the daily chicken The situation of flying dog jumps a little bit to create the ideal years and quiet.