It’s not scary to be hated

The philosopher Chandler said that all the troubles stem from interpersonal relationships, and sometimes it feels really sad. The world is so big, the universe is so immaculate, and photos of black holes have come out, but our eyes are always staring at these trivial things around us, and our attention is always unable to focus on how others see ourselves.

Japanese poet Kobayashi Yicha wrote countless beautiful and uncommon haikus. In those poems, there was such a sentence: “Feiyans, rumbling, right and wrong?”

Alas, such a poetic person is still worried about being passed on.

Therefore, it is normal for ordinary people like us to worry about being criticized and isolated.

Recently my child met someone who was unfriendly to him at school and asked me what to do. I didn’t have a good way, but I thought I had a similar experience when I was just in college.

That was the first time I left my hometown and lived in another city; that was the first time I lived in a collective dormitory, not at home. For the first time, I had to deal with a group of unfamiliar partners for 24 hours.

My mother is more anxious about it than I am. She prepared two huge boxes for me, stuffed with all the necessities of life she could imagine, and my name was painted on the outside of the box. In her imagination, these items can make my unknown days as stable as possible. As everyone knows, my roommates were very disgusted by the two huge boxes and the alert names on the boxes.

My mother even lived in our dorm for a week because she wanted to personally experience all the daily things I would encounter. A week later, she went home with her anxiety, but I found that I was isolated.

That week was a prime time for seven strange girls in the dormitory to be familiar with each other. Because of my mother’s presence, I missed the process of getting familiar with them and building friendships. I became an outsider, I do n’t know what they care about these days, I do n’t know how they got together to discuss the personality of the counselor, the hygiene of the dormitory next door. Often people in the crowd need a heterogeneous topic to increase their intimacy, and I have become that heterogeneous.

I have been isolated so that I can deeply understand human psychology. I understand the cruelty of human nature, that is, people will kick you out because of a random defect and an occasional opportunity to make you an opponent of the crowd; people need this hostility, as if a little seasoning, to let them Friendship is even more flavorful.

I used to be very afraid of being isolated, but then I thought that when I was isolated, I read the most and worked most efficiently. The crowd was warm, but it was also a drag.

Isolation is not so terrible. The reason why some people are afraid is clearly written in a book called “The Hateful Courage”:

“Do not want to be hated by others. This is a very natural desire and impulse for people. The philosopher Kant calls this desire. For many people, just being hated in itself is a terrible thing. The seal, it means an ultimate failure, and it is likely that all your value will come to nothing. ”

The book puts it clearly: freedom is hated. When you are hated by someone or someone, this is evidence of your freedom to exercise and live freely, and it is also a manifestation of your life in accordance with your own guidelines. If someone hates you, that’s not your problem.

People who are hated by others also objectively get a lot of freedom: freedom in time, freedom in action. I said earlier that my efficient reading when isolated was just this proof. In the efficient and high-density reading, there were some abstract people accompanying me. They were people on the book, and they were smarter than the people around them. They Exchanged energy with me and slowly made me realize that my larger stage was not here.

Find your place in the wider world. In fact, each of us belongs to multiple communities. If you are isolated in a group, it means that you do not belong to this group, you may belong to a larger group. If there is no sense of belonging in this community, then what we need to do at this time is to look outside and look for a larger community.